So, God = Death?

I was reading over what I've written on this blog and I'm struck by how closely my search for God has paralleled the losses I've had in my life. I think that might have been true early on, when my basic concerns about religion were metaphysical.

Since those early days I've come to realize also that part of the draw of church for me has been the pull of community.

My parents had almost no friends. We never had people over. We never went to people's houses. We didn't have a social life outside the home that involved a church or clubs or sports. We were almost completely isolated.

So I spent most of my years when I wasn't in school in my room, reading, drawing, talking on the phone with the few friends I had made. I grew up into an emotionally and socially stunted, painfully shy young woman. I developed social anxieties that I still struggle with today. For example, I had 3 weeks off from work once, during which time I never left my house. My neighbors called the police to make sure I hadn't been attacked and eaten by my dogs or something.

And yet, through the process of living day to day I eventually discovered that I was not a complete introvert, even though I behaved like one. I love to perform. I turned out to be a natural teacher (something you'd never have convinced me of when I was younger). If you had told me I would spend a good portion of my work day every day getting up in front of people and talking, I'd have laughed in your face. But that's what happened.

I discovered from my explorations of virtual worlds that I am a born organizer and entertainer. I organized online weddings and parties. I led a virtual rock band. I ran a virtual bar. I wrote songs and performed them online.

Who is this person???

Well, I had to finally admit to myself that this disconnect between my real life and my online life, and between my work life and my off-work life, was something to pay attention to. There had to be a reason why I was so outgoing at work and online, and completely introverted otherwise. That realization led to therapy, diagnosis, and medications which helped me make some sense of the conflicting feelings I'd been having about the fear of being around other people on the one hand, and the desire for contact and community on the other.